You’re aware of the internet meme
First World Problems which heaps sarcasm upon those who enjoy plush lives in developed
countries yet still find time to bitch and moan about their “unfair”
circumstances. “First World” is a bit
broad, though, don’t you think? I propose
we narrow it down and substitute “First World” for the U.S. state whose residents
enjoy the highest quality of life.
Behold, Colorado Problems.
Living
at altitude is tough on the body. It’s
impossible to get fat.
I
hate the snow. It plunks too much money
into our state economy.
I
bought a Tebow jersey last season. He
doesn’t play for the Broncos anymore.
The
weather’s too nice in Denver. I wanted a
cold, dark day to enjoy Wynkoop Brewing Company’s Parade of Darks but all I got
was seventy degrees and sunny.
That last one is of particular importance. Last Saturday, Nicole and I attended Wynkoop’s
annual celebration of beer amber-colored and darker. When attending a festival centered on stouts,
porters, and barleywines, nippy weather is preferred; dark, heavy beers are apt
to warm the core, it’s best to drink them when you’re a skosh chilly, not when
you’re basking in summer-like temperatures.
Damn you, beautiful weather! Sun,
sun, go away and come again another day!
Despite this terribly crippling
set-back, Parade of Darks—somehow—managed to once again host an exemplary beer
event; with 33 breweries pouring their best and shadiest brews, I had a smile
on my face each moment my mouth wasn’t preoccupied with tasty, (mostly) local
beer. Okay, I suppose I can overlook the less-than-perfect weather and simply enjoy my
time.
One of my favorite beers of the
event happened to be Fade to Black Vol. 4 from Left Hand Brewing Company which
was appropriate as I was wearing a hat made of a Fade to Black Vol. 3 six-pack
carrier. While my hat once held bottles
of black, peppery beer, Vol. 4 more emphasis on hops offering drinkers a piney,
resin-y punch supported by a dark malt backbone.
 |
| Fade to Black with my Fade to Black hat |
Speaking of my hat, it was a real
crowd-pleaser; everybody kept asking where they might procure their own. Sorry, folks, unless you, like me, have the
mad skill of constructing killer duct tape wallets and can trade them to a guy who makes
six-pack hats you’re out of luck. Consolation
prize: you can enjoy a picture of it on Westword’s website.
Other beers I particularly liked
include Punk Up The Yams from Bull & Bush Brewery which I liked both for its
unique tuber taste and it’s punk rock appellation. Oatimus Prime and
Megatron, a duo of Imperial Stouts from Mountain Sun Pub & Brewery,
embodied an interesting concept—two beers of the same style and same brewery
but with vastly different flavors: Oatimus is smooth and velvety while,
harkening to its name's evil roots, Megatron is harsh and bitter. Although I didn’t have the opportunity to
taste it (one can become easily distracted at Parade of Darks), I liked Upslope Brewing Company’s new Christmas Ale cans, too; very red, very bold.
The Vanilla Rum Porter from Strange Brewing Company was a superb brew—rich, vanilla-y, and warming. While loitering about their booth, I mentioned
(and I quote), “I hope you kick those Massachusetts guys’ asses!” in reference to the current legal debacle Strange finds itself in with a certain East Coast homebrew supply store (click here to support Strange Brewing in this, their time of need). I’m quite certain they
wanted to high five me, give me a chest bump, and, in an exaggerated deep
voice, yell “hell yeah!” but their polite smile and gracious acknowledgment
spoke loud enough. No need for public
displays of bromance.
But perhaps the best beers at the
event came from the unlikeliest of locations: Coors or, more accurately, AC Golden Brewing Company which is Coors’ craft beer division. I’ve said it ad nauseum and, by golly, I’ll say it till the day I die: AC Golden
makes great beer but I hate—absolutely hate—that
they pretend to be a “mom and pop” brewery when, really, they’re backed by one
of the biggest brewing corporations in the world. Put the word “Coors” on your packaging, AC
Golden! Quit trying to trick
well-meaning, local business supporters into thinking you’re an independent
brewer! That said, the Blueberry Sour
and Plum Sour are among the yummiest, tartest, most refreshing beers I had at
Parade of Darks and, indeed, some of the best beers I had this year.
If the prospect presents itself, order yourself a glass of either; just,
for the love of all things holy, know and realize that it isn’t a product of a
small, start-up brewery. That is all I ask.
 |
| Plum Sour and Blueberry Sour |
As it was in 2011, the ticket sales
from Parade of Darks benefited Metro CareRing and, also like last year, the
organizers set up a silent auction to accrue even more charitable
donations. I went home with three
bombers of Dry Dock Brewing Co. last year but this year the prices were getting
much too high for my liking; I went home empty-handed. The bidding process was further complicated
by another attendee, also named Chris, with a surname imperceptibly different
than mine and who also shared the
trait of having atrocious handwriting.
People wondered who this idiot was who kept outbidding himself so thanks, other Chris, for
making me look like a dipwad (although, I suppose the reputational damage was
mutual).
 |
| I wasn't able to give money to charity but I was able to up the price making others gave more to charity |
This was the second time Nicole
and I attended the Parade and I can say unequivocally that this year was much better.
99.9% of the event was exactly the same as last year but this time around attendees went home
with complimentary six-packs of B3K Black Lager! Oh, Wynkoop, you got me just what I wanted.
 |
| A beautiful sight if I've ever seen one |
With bellies full of frothy,
black liquid, Nicole and I braved the tepid weather and headed home. Wynkoop raised $14,000 for Metro CareRing,
beer geeks got their dark beer fix, and everybody enjoyed an entertaining
afternoon of savory suds. It was a
successful event no matter what angle you look at it.
It’s true, I do love a parade. However, I
prefer parades that place a lot of emphasis on beer.
Prost!
Chris
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